Dear Mom;
I don’t know where to begin. I’m living back in Mexico. I’m teaching English at a university.
I am enjoying living back here but I miss Wanda, Lisa and Paula, and of course I miss family. I am loving being back in the classroom after 13 years. My students seem to like me, and they are doing well in my class. I see them on the streets outside of class; they all smile and wave to me. It’s a wonderful feeling.
I went on vacation in July for 2 weeks. I wanted to call you so many times to tell you about my adventures. I wished I could buy you souvenirs off the street vendors. At night I binge watched Law and Order SVU on TV. I thought of you instantly and wished that we were watching it together like old times.
Mom, I know it has been over a year that you left this world, but at times it feels like it was just last week. Time does not seem to be healing this wound. Nothing I do and nowhere I go fills the permanent void in my heart.
I thought if I returned to Mexico that I would no longer feel like an abandoned orphan. When I was packing for my vacation last month I thought I could leave the loneliness and emptiness back in my apartment. Mom, I was a complete fool to ever think I could leave this grief behind in Canada. I didn’t pack it in my luggage; however, it followed me to Mexico. It even chased me to the beach in July.
You’re forever missing from my life and I won’t ever get to take a vacation from grieving for you. I don’t know what I’m suupposed to do now or where I’m supposed to be. I can’t call you for advice. I won’t ever be able to tell you anything about my life.
This time last year, every time I left the house to go out with friends, I dreaded going home because I couldn’t tell you about my evening. I couldn’t tell you about all the people who asked about you. This time last year I took photos of the most beautiful cotton candy clouded sunsets. I cried in my car all the way home because I couldn’t show the photos to you.
Mom, I don’t know how to do this without you. No matter where I go, grief comes with me as I cannot leave it behind. It encompasses my entire existence and surrounds my every emotion. I want to go home, but how do I ever do that when nowhere feels like home without you?
I love you Mom.
